Shinigami
by Catseye
Summary: (2xH) The Shinegami lived years as a mortal, ready to return to his realm with no attachments. Too bad his heart had other things in mind. Too bad the fates seem set against them.


Began this fic after reading Shades Children by Garth Nix which left me in one of my depressed streaks (not real depression, more like : That stupid author with his stupid ending that is perfectly logically and beautiful and stupid and Waaaaaah!!!! Why'd it have to end like that!!!?!?!) the same thing I did for Cowboy Bebop and Gundam 0080. Because I like bitter sweet endings. I just won't admit it. So for once, instead of my humorous happily ever after sort of thing, I decided to do something different. Which is this. Probably the saddest thing I'll ever write cause I'm too happy a person. 

Warning : 2xH, there may be a dead body hear or there. There may be bad grammer or spelling. There may be misspellings. There may be points where the ending is really obvious cos I'm new to this whole sadness thing -_-'. 

Disclaimer : Don't own 'em. Wish I did. So if anyone reading this is a rich eccentric millionaire and wants to buy me Gundam Wing and all of its characters I would be eternally grateful. And if you were my age and sweet and male and...heh heh. I won't go there. Just read the fic ^_^,

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ - (crosses. Duo. Catholicism. ok maybe not....carry on)

RECORDING STARTS

Someone once told me that everyone has an important story to tell at some point in their life and now the time has come for me to tell one of mine own to ya. 

There once was a boy. He grew up on the streets with few friends and many enemies. In some ways he was the lucky one, the one that got out of scrapes better than the others, came back with fewer bruises, popped up unharmed where others didn't. But in those same ways he was the unlucky one, the one who constantly had to watch his mates get hurt or sick while he himself was always fine. He saw a lot of death but it never saw him. After a while, he swore he was death itself. He swore that he brought death to others, his friends, his enemies. It didn't matter. He could'nt control it. Once he realized that, he was ready to accept the death of friends and enemies alike. They died one by one for a long time and he missed them, but he knew that a time would come when he would join them as their ruler and friend in the land of the dead. The time would come when his purpose in life would be fufilled and he would end his life. Knowing this, he had fun, lived life on the edge. If he died, big deal. So long as he was having fun doing it with the knowledge his purpose was complete.

Years later, the boy would partake in a little project entitled operation meteor. He fought well for much of the war. It went smoothly for the most part, and the boy was certain that this was the purpose the Shinigami was meant to fulfill. To bring about peace in the world. Maybe hell was overflowing from these wars. Didn't know really. Didn't care so long as the job was done. He was certain that it would be this war that could finally send him home.

Of course, then the complications arose. The first resolved itself soon enough. He made friends with the four other pilots and began to worry about their lives. Until he noticed that they were unlike most people he'd met. They weren't afraid to die, like him. Still, he tried to protect them when he could. Then the second complication. Her name was Hilde. 

SHORT PAUSE

She wasn't exactly beautiful, not in the normal sense. It was more something inside that attracted him to her. The fearlessness she had perhaps, the recklessness she had with life. She was like Heero Yuy only with surface emotions and less of a tendency to steal. The problem was that unlike Heero, she was not that strong. Heero seemed to survive anything - injuries, falls from high places, jumps from high places, bullets. He could go past the limits of human ability and come back - always battered and bruised of course but he came back. The others had that ability too. Trowa's careful planning ensured his safety as well as his own skill. Like the boy, he didn't care for his own life. Unlike the boy, he didn't really seem to care how he died exactly. Quatre could take anything. He seemed frail on the outside but he never quit. Anything that tried and wear him and down completly would end up worn down itself. As for Wufei, he was always so busy wearing others down that they didn't have the chance to retaliate.  
They were strong. The boy could see that in all of them. And he could see that the girl had their carelessness with life but she didn't have that strength he saw in the pilots.  
So he protected her. She got hurt and he yelled at her and yelled at himself for not being their. She didn't belong in that war. The boy realized that. And he realized how scared he was for her. A feeling he thought he'd overcome since it dawned on him that whoever died he would join eventually. So he banished all feelings for this girl except for those feelings he reserved for all of his friends. 

The years passed. The number of scrapes the former five pilots got into slowly dropped as time passed by. And the boy awaited his death. He was certain that his purpose had been fufilled. There was peace at last and he just could stand another war. All he wanted now was his death. The boy, a man in years by now but still a boy in spirit, occasionally tried to get himself killed. Not outright suicide, there was no fun in that. Just little things, drinking and driving on country roads, and only the empty abandoned ones since he didn't want to hurt anyone but himself. Sometimes he'd pick fights in reputedly rough parts of towns, just hoping that someone would try to shoot him. Some would and they'd miss. They always missed. Once he tried flirting openly with a dangerous ex-con's girl. She kissed him and tried to sleep with him. Her boyfriend caught on and flipped. Then he got hauled off to jail before he could do anything. Everytime he pulled one of these stunts the results were the same. He was always alive and always scolded by his friends. And Hilde. She shook her finger at him, literally tried to knock somes sense into him and scolded. He liked coming home to that, it always cheered him up after failed attempts at setting up his death. 

"You did what!?" It usually started. "What were you thinking? Were you thinking?"

"I'm not really sure." he'd reply.

"Idiot. Didn't you take the time to think of what could have happened to you? I swear, I've never met anyone as foolhardy as you."

"Oh really." he'd say at this point, his arm on her shoulder and a grin on his face as he talked and watched her cook. They were both good cooks but the days he choose to get in trouble was always her turn. It would be nice for her to be waiting on him when he didn't expect to come back. "I seem to remember a certain girl, can't put my foot on her name though, but I remember this one time she tried to steal some information for a guy she hardly knew at the time. Called it a Christmas present, tried to escape the enemy base with stolen information, got shot down by the enemy's latest moble suits and spent a week in intensive care."

At this point she'd stop what she was doing and turn her head just enough to glare up at him. "Hmph. That was only once."

"And if my memory serves me, oh what was her name! This girl also got injured in a little post-War of '96 skirmish which she was clearly told to keep out of." he'd point out.

She'd then growl and return to her cooking. "That was a while ago."

"And in a little while, this incident will be a while ago as well."

She'd sigh, admitting defeat as he would do when she did something stupid and she reminded him of incidents like that one.

PAUSE. SOUND OF DRINKING IN BACKGROUND

One day, not too long ago, a few of the former pilots decided to take a vacation, get away from the dreariness of their normal lives. Quatre and Trowa were there as well as Catherine, the boy, Hilde, Heero and Relena. They rented a large house by the sea. There was a small beach littered with shells and smooth rocks perfect for collections. From the villa they could see the vast ocean, a flat surface for miles broken only by this strange rock jutting out of the sea. It seemed perfect for diving and seeing as it was the only elevated surface suitable for diving, everyone tried to swim out there at least once. Hilde and Heero came closest. The rest of them gave up after a while. It was a long swim to that rock and the ocean waves working against them did'nt help matters.

It was very calm up there. Five of them rose early to watch the sunrise everyday and comb the beach. They all went to bed before sunset. Hilde and the boy however liked the sunsets and the moonrises. The stayed up late just talking by the window or near the balcony. 

"You know," she said one sweet twilight, still wet and in her bathing suit, standing in the balcony. "You know, I could really just enjoy living here. Just spend the rest of my days relaxing."

The boy joined her. "But wouldn't you get bored? I mean all alone in a beach house far from everything, everyone you know so far away."

"Oh, I wouldn't be alone. You'd be with me." She casually closed the distance between them.

He looked down at the ocean, pretending not to notice. "I may not always be here."

"You'll be here as long as I am if I have anything to do with it." That stubborn look was in her eyes. He caught it just before wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

They stood in the twilight for a while just like that. She was the one to end it and move her arms to encircle his waist, head buried in chest and perfectly content with the world. She did not notice that he never returned her kiss.

"You know I love you, right?" she said.

"Hilde..."

"What's wrong?" She moved away to look at him. "Don't you love me?"

He remained silent. The boy didn't know what to do. He wanted to say yes but he couldn't. He'd made sure over the years to cancel out all romantic feelings for this girl. He just couldn't love. It would make it too hard for him to leave this world. It would be too painful if she left before he did. The others could take his death. They all went through the war expecting to die, expecting each other to die. But this girl. Already he was too attached. Loving her would only make it worse.

"All these years. We've been together all these years, I just thought that...I'm sorry. Forget I ever did that. I..." She turned away from him. Hiding her face but not her voice which revealed that she was crying. "I'm going for a swim. I'll be back in a little while."

He grabbed her arm. "Hilde. Cliched as it sounds, it's not you, it's me. I can't explain it..."

"No need to."

"Look I...if-if it helps any, that was one hell of a good kiss." 

She laughed. "Well when you put it that way, I guess I can't hold a grudge against you. Care to join me? Evening swim?"

"Nah. I'll just watch."

They walked down to the beach together, a bit uneasily, trying to make light conversation, trying to guess what the other was thinking. The boy was glad when he could sit on the beach and just watch her swim. Heading for the rock as usual. The boy wondered if she used to compete before he met her. Then wondered if she'd stopped after she met him. Then wondered if she really was hurt and did not show it. He wondered if she should tell her everything. His childhood, his reasonings. Of course then she'd either think he'd lost it or he was making a really pathetic excuse. Of course, he did know a few good ones like...

The boy looked up, instantly forgetting his long list of excuses. It seemed as though Hilde was waving to him. She was all the way near the rock hanging onto it with one hand and waving with the other. He waved back, making funny poses that always made her laugh. Until she ducked under the water. He dove into the water, swimming for all he was worth. The salt-water stung his eyes, his clothes weighed him down but his fear kept him going. If she died...  
  
He almost laughed as he realized what he had done. He'd just rejected her love because he was afraid of what would happen if she were in danger. He'd rejected her because he didn't want to feel the fear and helplessness and pain that would plague him if anything happened to her. The same feelings he was feeling right now. He loved her anyway. Told himself he didn't but he loved her anyway. And if she died now...

The boy swam harder until he felt his head slammed straight into a rock. He opened his eyes as best he could and looked for Hilde, wondering how this could happen. She was an excellant swimmer...Of course. The waves slammed against the rock, a strong current churned the water around it. It was a death trap if he'd ever saw one. Finally a chance to die and he couldn't take it. The water pulled him under and he stopped fighting it. He reached his arms out, moving them around until he hit something soft. He held onto it and moved his arms over her body until he found her head. He kissed her, hugged her tight. He didn't have to open his eyes to see that they were too far under to swim back up. It was better this way. They'd die together. She'd be his queen. He welcomed the darkness that engulfed him, the girl he loved in his arms. He held on tighter, promising never to let go.

DEEP SIGH

"I think I just saw his eyelid flutter. He's waking up, I'm sure of it." he heard one of his friends ask. The boy really wasn't sure what was going on. Did his friends jump in to rescue him and drown too? Or was he...

He opened his eyes and tried to sit up, only to have his head swim. He lay back down again with a moan, noticing that his mouth tasted of salt water and he had a pounding headache stemming from one side of his head. His first sluggish thought was "where am I" but he decided against that one. "What happened?"

The boy wasn't sure who stepped forward - the light made his head hurt - but the person sat on the bed and put a comforting hand on the boy's own. 

"You almost drowned. We thought you wouldn't make it. We thought...but the docters say everything looks fine and that it's a miracle you're alive and well, not a scratch on you except for that bump on your head. No brain damage nothing. You'll be out of here in a day or so." the voice said with strained happiness.

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. You're fine. Perfectly fine." 

There was a sadness this time. But if he was prefectly fine then...The boy sat up quickly, ignoring his head's threats to rebell against him. "Hilde? Where is she? Where's Hilde? She's fine too right? Right!?" He knew he was shouting and didn't care. He just looked from face to face. Looked from sad, pitying face to sad pitying face. They didn't need to say anything. The downcast eyes that carefully avoided his spoke volumes. No one bothered to say anymore. The just filed out, one by one with half whispered sorrys except for Trowa. He waited until the rest were gone and tossed a bottle onto his friend's bed.

"Don't thank me. Thank Heero. It was his idea. See you in hell Duo." was all he said before leaving too.

The boy picked up the full bottle of sleeping pills and held it close, crying a silent thank you. The Shinigami had been playing mortal for too long.

PAUSE

Well, that's my story guys. Don't want you all to think I did this randomly. That I did it because of grief. No. I've been waiting for this moment since the day I started thinking I was the Shinigami. I really like to think that I am but...I'm not always sure. Doesn't matter though. I've outlived my usefulness. I've told my story. All I have is this one last note to you all : Don't save me, don't forget me but don't miss me 'cause I'll be seeing all of in hell. 

END OF RECORDING


End file.
